Faith, You Gotta Have Faith

It is hard sometimes to get things off your chest without it sounding like you want pity, help or sympathy. This is no different. Those that really know me know that I hate asking for help, I hate to borrow money or need assistance to get out of anything, and when it is offered I turn it down unless it is my absolute last option. Please keep that in mind here, I am not asking for your sympathy or prayers, I am a big boy and can figure things out myself, but it always helps to get things out there. I would probably not have this conversation face to face with anybody…

You gotta have faith. Faith.

When I was in middle and high school I was very active with my church and youth group. Yes I caused a lot of trouble, did lots of bad things but I was a religious kid, prayed all the time, had lots of faith, and never questioned it. It helped that I was always around a church family. I have had that on and off the last 9 years. I think that’s a major thing to have to help keep a man straight.

I only pray when things are bad, when someone is in bad health, when I get into some sort of trouble, or for someone I know. Not very often. I have not prayed for myself in a long time; have not asked for help to get me straight with the big guy. The last time I prayed constantly was this past summer when I was in church and playing in the church band, I went to house church every Monday night.  It felt good. Before that it had been 3 years.

I am a religious man at heart, I know God, I know I am saved, I know I am going to Heaven. Everybody that really knows me knows this is true. I also know that I am far from having a barely decent relationship with God. No that’s not ok, I know that also… but I don’t really feel too bad about it. I got a lot weighing me down and not stuff that is easy to let go of. And yes I know if I tried it probably would be, but I’m comfortable in life right now and not in a rushed pace to change any of it.

------ “Kenn you’re going to hell”----- There I said it for you so you don’t have to.

I am moving back home soon, and I know after I get there I will start to get back to my roots, I am excited about it, but not in a big rush to jump right back into it for selfish reasons. I know differently, but I have a lot to fix myself before I get back there.

I fear that I am going to be rushed into something I am not ready for, and I feel bad about that. My mom is pushing to get me right in the thick of things again with a church that I don’t know, church family I don’t know, and she wants me to be right back where I was 10 years ago, and that will not happen overnight. I want to take things slow, be just another face in the crowd and ease my way back into my faith.

I have lots of reasons to have faith, and lots to not; and even though right now I am more in the not section I still hold onto some. I fear that if I am pushed too hard then I might just postpone trying to get back with the big guy upstairs. That’s just human nature.

God gave us all free will to mess up our lives as much as we can, and he lets us. He also knows that when we hit the bottom and go back to him that he will pull us out. I hit that rock bottom and have pulled myself back out. No, not by myself, there is no way, I know God had a hand in getting me to where I am, but I have never asked for it, or thanked him for it. Hell, the closest I came was screaming in a drunken state, “What the hell man? You get some sort of sick pleasure out of this? What am I going to do now? You better fix this shit.” I know that in order for him to really bring you back up the first step is asking for it. Not when you’re drunk of course. Many times in the past he has hit me in the back of the head with a 2X4, and I get my shit together… for a period of time. This time he has not hit me as much as he handed me the 2X4 and said whenever you are ready.

God has done a great deal for me in the last 2 years, and even in the last 2 weeks. And I think this is all part of his plan to bring me back, and I also think he knows that it will take some time. I think this is the start of a lot of changes with my life and that he is going to make everything better. There is a line in a movie, Dogma where the two angels are talking about how down their life has been and one says to the other “When God, when the fuck is it my time?” and I have often said the same. I think maybe my time is now.

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 I can have a somewhat warped opinion of God compared to others. Yes I am fearful of what he can do, and I respect him for who he is and what he does, but when I do talk to him I do not put him up on a pedestal. I talk to God like he is a buddy at the bar, just normal conversation. I have been told by some that this is disrespectful, but the way I see it, he knows my heart, and he knows that it is just the way I am. Who are you to tell me how to pray? I have been told that I am blasphemous. While in a lot of eyes this may be true, I fall back to the same; he knows my heart and knows that I am not. If my mother knew some of the things I say and joke about she would make me eat a bar of soap. I have been called this because I make off colored jokes about religion, God, the Bible and faith, and I have a foul mouth. I know that I am not blasphemous, God knows I never say things like that in a blasphemous manner, and let’s be honest God was human, he has a sense of humor. I mean, he made Bama football right? Who says God can’t find humor in everyday things without it being an attack against him?

I know this blog was all over the place and had no real rhythm, but it was a bunch of things on my chest this last week and I just wanted to get it out. I am not asking for prayers for me to get back to where I should be, not asking for pity or sympathy, I just wanted to say it out loud. I am well aware of where I am and what I am doing, and that’s what matters first. I know there are a lot of people who have been praying for me for a long time. My family, their church family, very close friends, and I appreciate that very much. But without my heart being ready, it is not going to happen. I have to meet him half way.

This was too serious…

The Meat Hammer

Aint nothin but a G thang

What a week it has been. My life took a major turn this week and I am now busier because of it for the next 2 months. Through a series of (un)fortunate events I am yet again making a big move in my life, and going back to Alabama where I did most of my growing up. Buckle in.

My folks own the land and home that I grew up in, and were renting it out to a friend of my dad’s. Well things happened and that man is no longer alive.  Now my folks were left to decide what to do with the home that I grew up in.

Let’s side track for a moment. Mom and dad have been declining in health the last few years and I have wanted to go home to be closer to them just in case. The situation just never seemed right. I had too much going on and it would have been too much of a challenge to move back. Now back to the story.

I was offered that if I moved back home that I could live in the home I grew up in, and not just live there but own it and the land it is on. This is a hard thing to turn down. Now where I am now I have a great job, a military job, and school full time. Not so easy to walk away from. A lot of things would need to fall into place for this to work. So I decided to just look around and see what my options were. I found a lot of good things.

Fast forward about 12 hours from then and I have figured out a new unit to transfer to, a new school to transfer to, and a new job to transfer to. This just seems to simple for something that should be extremely complicated.

My new military unit is a short 6 hour drive away, not bad since I only have to do it once a month. Not only did that work out nicely, but that unit is only 45 minutes from my nephew. Yes, the one that Bama hardly lets me talk to and I have not seen in almost 2 years. So if I can get her to stop being such a bitch, I could potentially see him often. The school I found is very similar to the school I am in now. Not only that but it is on the same schedule as my current school, and after talking to them and starting the transfer process, I will not miss any time. This all seems to easy.

I spoke with my boss at work about moving and have already started the ball rolling of transferring to a new site back home. Everything seems to be lined up perfectly. I am now just waiting for the bombshell to come down.

Everybody that really knows me knows that I am a religious man. To those on the outside I may seem like the opposite, but that’s just who I am. Yes I have the mouth of a drunken sailor, and the sense of humor of an atheist, but I know God, I love God, and I know what he is capable of. This whole move just seems too right, and that’s how I know it is a God thing. I have seriously been wondering and planning how to move back to bama over the last 6 or so months. Never really prayed about it though, but that big dude knows what’s on your mind; you don’t have to say anything. This starts to roll into a new topic.

Why is he making this happen? Over the last 2 years I lost a ton of faith in him, not completely, but a lot. I started to get some back while I was playing guitar in church and spending time around a church family, but after starting this new job that went away as well. And even with everything that fell into place I still do not have much faith that this move will go off as smoothly as expected. I need a good amount of money to move across the country and not real sure that I will have it. I think he made this happen because he knows this is the only way that I will put a bit of focus on him. I was always closest with him when I as in Alabama.

I look forward to being back home and I know that this is probably the last fresh start I will get in my life. I need to make sure this one counts. I made a choice recently to grab my life by the nuts and take what I want, and put myself where I want to be, not to take no for an answer, and make my life better than it is. This seems to be a leap in that direction.

Here is to my last beginning – The Meat Hammer 

For the Ladies Pt. 2

I know this took a while to get up, but here it is. Not all responses were added, and if you want one specifically answered then let me know. If you are somewhat lost on this or need a reference, then check out this blog for info.

Ok ladies, I got some feedback and I want to address some of them. Of course, as always I do not use real names, but enough for you to be identified if you read it. I will do the same here, but you probably will know who you are by re-reading your response. I will break it down per person….. Here we go.

tAble-

I hear you loud and clear. It took me a while to decide how to go about this. Maid touched on your point as well. I have gone for crazy bitches. And I have met the nice sweet girls that I know would stay the nice sweet girls. The few nice sweet girls I have met there has always been some sort of complication. And I guess it does go both ways here. Complications have included distance, physical attraction, point of views, and even future goals.  Which leads into a whole new topic…… do we exaggerate these complications?

Muddy water-

You brought up a good point “call me old fashioned but I want to be pursued. I don't want to be the one chasing after a guy. I've done that a few times and it never works out.”  I see your point here. And this will also answer your question to me. The nice guys get shut out so many times, it’s hard for them to suck it up again and talk to another girl, knowing they will get the same reaction. So, to any other girl that asks “why can’t I find a nice guy” you have to make a move too. Simple as that. If the nice guy thinks he stands a decent chance… most of the time he will pursue. But it’s a fine line to not lose that old fashioned way of dating. Your opinion of sex/porn all that jazz- I totally see your point. I was raised a southern Christian man and I know exactly where you are coming from (I honestly believe that sex is meant to be between a husband and wife) but it’s out there and I don’t know of a guy that has not seen it in some form or fashion.

Maid – (man that sounds derogatory, not meaning to)

First off, hello there stranger!

You are more than right; I personally have for some reason only fallen for crazy bitches. Do you remember the short girl I was dating up there? PSYCHO! And if anybody knows how to judge this beforehand I will pay a large sum of something! Lol. I laughed at one of your responses about video games. I can remember when a new game came out, me and my roommate got home and you were waiting for us. We walked in and turned on our Xboxes and zoned out the rest of the world =). I agree, guys that spend all day every day on the Xbox is dumb. I think everyone has said the same thing about this…. as long as it does not take up your entire life. This leaves me to wonder…. Does every girl really think that, or do they say it because it makes them look good? And about being a nerd, I just agree. I am going to repost your answer because I could not say it better myself…

“There is nothing wrong with nerds!!! They are typically the guy you want. They are the ones

that are around most often, not cheaters and seem to have respect for others. It’s the jocks or

"tough guys" that are generally the assholes. That’s my opinion anyway. Any why can't you collect

things? It’s not immature. us girls just collect different things.. usually coats and shoes or some

form of clothing. what’s the difference? There isn’t any”

I have never thought of it like that, but it is very true. I know of a guy that would probably use that for the rest of his life. As a matter of fact I am going to probably use that often now. You will forever be immortalized because of that. The porn issue, good point as well. I seem to get two sides of this which I will bring up at the end.

Au Rugby-

War Eagle and I will kick your ass in NCAA 12

Others have mentioned the same thing when it comes to jealousy and guys looking at girls. You are self conscious. But we are with you, and if we leave you for them because they look better, dress better whatever, then you are better without us. And if we are with you, we (I) don’t want you to be her, I want you.

Also just to throw in the quote here…

                “TWILIGHT IS GAY!!”

Canadian-

I have to start with your question. I read this at work and could not stop laughing. My co-worker probably thought I was high.

                ”This is my guy question: Is it true that if a guy places his hand backwards while masturbating that it feels like someone else is doing it? I think it is called "the stranger." Just curious.”

I have not the slightest clue. Maybe one day I will let you know…. Keep an eye out for my email lol. My God I miss you! Also, make your own damn sandwich. Your response fell in line with everything else really, hard to pick something out.

Midget –

I think maybe you brought up the best point, but sadly not one I have not heard before. Girls marry their dad. Same foot, guys marry their mom. Makes sense. Also as others have said the sex/porn thing I will bring up next.

The general opinion about sex/porn/threesomes and as midget so calmly put it “thrown on the couch and pounded in the ass” comes down to an intimacy thing. That’s understandable. But does that really make it bad? Maid mentioned it as a together thing, not alone. I have heard this too. It is like something to spice up the relationship. Really I could care less I have my opinion of it and that’s what I think. Period. Good to know a woman’s thoughts though.

This was interesting to read. I am sure I will hear a little bit more in the next few days or so…. And I don’t really know what I was going to do with this information. And yes as I was told by a buddy, maybe I should just get the sand out of my vagina. Who cares because every woman is different and they are all crazy and dumb in some way or fashion.