Happy>Sad

So when I started this thing, it was to release anger and thoughts without confronting a person and causing face to face issues. A way to release things, but as of late it has become more of me just venting about my life and random stupid crap. Well this one is no different. And no, I have not forgotten about my last blog, I have it ready just been too lazy to post it…. It will be up soon.

Once again I am going to dive into myself here. I was asked tonight at work, why am I always so happy. At the time I simply said what’s the point of being unhappy? Then I got to thinking about it, and the answer was pretty simple.

I had a shitty younger years. Not as bad as some but not the best. When I was a wee lad my folks got divorced. My mom moved back to the states, I stayed with the bastard. While I was there, the dumb ass decided I was a ventilation tool, a punching bag if you will. Now, my child abuse was not near as bad as others that I know of, but it certainly was not easy. Most of my life has not been easy. Well I was with the bastard for about a year until my mom finally got custody of me. Turns out that whole year she was fighting like a mofo to get me back. So fast forward a bit. We moved to Alabama when I was starting 6^th grade. From 6^th up until my junior year, I was the pick on kid. I don’t think there was a day in school I was not called gay, pushed around, picked on, shoved, and made fun of in some way. I was not having an easy go. I have thought back to this many times to try and find out why, and the best reason I can think of is I didn’t like a popular boy and said so, this made me a target… I think. Any ways so the next 6 years of school I got into fights--- beat up--- and all of that bully stuff that everyone is so worried about now. To them I say suck it up kid, it makes you stronger. Even my senior year this took place, although not as much, everyone seemed to start growing up by then.

                Funny thing is, now most of those people I talk to on Facebook, and it is like nothing happened, which is the way I like it. I do not expect or want an apology from any of them; if they ever did I would tell them to no mention it, the past is the past. As I will get to, I am thankful for my shitty childhood.

Right after high school I joined the Air Force. And although I love it, and would jump to defend her, and tell everyone I know to join, it was not an easy transition. I had hard times then too. As most members, I deployed to Iraq. This is never an easy thing, but at my young age, going over the holiday season, Thanksgiving and Christmas was hard. And I turned 21 there, who knew you could not get trashed in Iraq? Also during my time in the Air Force I lost people close to me. When I was young I worked for my next door neighbor. The man that lived there meant a lot to me too. We shared stories, he gave advice… and even though he had his vices, he was an important figure to me. I loved him. While I was away in the military he got real sick and died. I did not even get to say good bye. I did not get to go home after his death. This was hard. When I did go home, I had the honor to spread some of his ashes around his tree…. That tree grew more than it ever did before that year.

There was a time where I cared about my sister. When she called and told me she got knocked up I needed to be home and could not. I even missed my nephew’s birth, which will always haunt me after getting to know him. God that kid means the world to me.

But I think my worst years of my almost 27 has happened over the last 2 years. I hit beyond rock bottom, I lost two grandparents that I loved so very much. I always told them I was going to visit them and never did. My old man also lost his daughter, whom he just started to get to know. He then lost his uncle. He is a strong man…. And he made me a happy person.

My whole family has pretty much lost my nephew, a grandson, and who knows if we will ever really get him back. Some members of the family say they lost my sister too, a daughter and a granddaughter. For me, I don’t really feel I lost a sister, does not faze me. I have been in the mix of all of this pain. Watching my parents suffer tears me apart. My old man has been laid off more than Ted Bundy masturbated.

So you see, I have plenty to not be happy about in life.  Now let me explain to you why I am. What’s the point of not being happy right? My old man is a strong man, and he has taught me to be strong. I remember, and always will, when I hit rock bottom, I called my old man screaming, crying and lost. His response? To tell me about a live action smurfs movie and how dumb it is. This made me laugh. See he may not have intended this, but he taught me to laugh off bad things. When I lost my grandparents, like very man would, I had my breakdown. I cried. Shortly after I laughed. I told Shanarchy that she owes me dinner, when she asked why, I replied because I lost grandma, that equals dinner. I know this is bad, but it works for me. I laugh at things I should not to get over them. The Air Force also taught me to not be a sensitive PC pansy like most of society. I have thick skin.

All of these bad things made me stronger. It made me realize that when something goes wrong, it could always be worse. It also taught me that if I just sit around and be depressed about it instead of doing something about it, it only gets worse. I have my bad days, everyone does, but those days are exactly that a day maybe two, then I am back.

I am a happy guy, a glass overflowing outlook. It takes a lot to bring me down and I am proud of that.

Thank you immature kids in school, thank you bastard for beating me and mentally fucking me up, thank you Air Force, because of you I am a great man. Dare I say better than those who made me who I am. I know I am better than one of them for sure (also will soon out-rank the dumbass) Having a shitty life made me a happy man.

So when I heard about bullies, and depressed people all I can think about is how weak those people are. The kid that gets pushed around… smile damnit, you’re alive. You have at least one friend, we always do. Get a job, learn that you can be happy single, your life is not that bad, and if you think it is do something about it. I have zero sympathy.

I am leaving to happily enjoy my day and what little free time I have… because even though I have little, it could be none.

The Meat Hammer

This one is for the ladies

This one is for the ladies---

No I am not going to share about how crazy you can be, or talk about how you need to be in the kitchen. But if you don’t mind can I get a sandwich? I know that I have my sexist moments… a lot… but all joking aside, I typically do not care if people comment on my blogs, I don’t do this for your feedback and comments, I do this because I like to vent and say shit in an open area. But this one is different. I want, and somewhat expect some comments, answers, and even some questions about this blog.  I know that the following questions to not refer to every single woman, so I ask that if it does not describe you personally, give me an answer from a woman’s point of view. For those that know me, you know how to reach me, for anybody that reads this and you do not know me, leave a comment here, I will be looking for it and will get back on it, and let you know when I respond.

No man understands women and no man ever will. You are too complicated and twisted more than a DNA strand for any man to even half way understand. That’s fine, because we all know you are some sort of alien, probably. But here is what I am doing. I have questions… and I have something to offer in return. Just read on. I hope that some of you might answer some of them, and use your own experience, or answer on how and why you would react the way you did/would. So here we go, 10 issues to deal with.

The first issue--- I have no way to lead into this so here you go—The next girl that says I want a sweet nice caring guy I am going to call her a liar, say she is full of shit and go find some asshole dick to date--- unless one of you can give me a good answer.

Issue #1: This is probably the biggest one and the one every guy really wants to know. Why is it that women always say they want a nice, sweet caring guy, but never go after them when they meet them? When they do, they get rid of him for an asshole? There are plenty of nice guys out there, I know a few and they cannot get a nice girl… or any girl. When they meet a girl they get put in your friend zone faster than they can turn on the XBOX. I also know some guys, myself included, who have found a great girl, but they turn us away or dump us for a guy that treats them like shit. Then they complain to us about him. If you do not want a nice guy then stop saying you do. Although I must admit, I have laughed more than once when a girl later tells me that the guy she chose over me cheated, or lied, or treats them badly. It is sometimes hard to feel sorry for them.

Issue #2: To tag on to issue #1, what is it about assholes that you like? Guys that are controlling, that treat you like shit, that make you cry, that tear down your self esteem… why is that attractive to you?

Issue #3: This only goes for about half of the women… maybe that is a bit generous, I don’t know. Why can women not get interested, or even show interest in sports or video games that we like. If we show interest in your things, cut us some slack. Along with that, why don’t most of you like sports or video games???

Issue #4: Is it just a genetic thing to be so sensitive? Not just in the “I saw a sad movie and cried” sense, but about everything. I tell an off colored joke and you get offended or butt hurt about it, or watch a movie with a questionable situation and you always take the moral side of it. (Military women excluded) But guys can joke around about those things, and not always mean it, but find it funny.

Issues #5: What is wrong with nerds? A lot of women turn and run when they find out a guy is a nerd of some sort. It can be video games, comic books, board games, or figurine collections. I am a guilty party of this one. What is wrong with us having a hobby that we enjoy? I have a large collection of statues and figurines, and some women have said that makes me immature… how so? I will make the video game a whole separate issue.

Issue #6: Video games. Really? Get over it ladies. What is wrong with guys liking video games? Yes we know it’s not real. You all have your baths, reading, wine, girls’ nights and soap operas and Greys Anatomy to relax and relieve stress. Guys have video games. And I am not blind, I know that we can spend a lot of time on them, but a lot of games are not just a 30 minute thing. Most games you need to spend a good hour+ in it to get things done. I guess the big point here, is why do you have a problem with guys playing video games?

Issue #7: Why do you get so jealous so easily? Guys get jealous too I know, but you do it more. If we look at some other girl while we are with you, you automatically think that we want her instead of you. Guys like girls. If we see a girl in a short skirt with nice legs, we look. A nice rack, we look. But who are we with? Who are we coming home to? You are beautiful to us that is why we are with you, we find you attractive, but other women can be attractive too. Do you really honestly believe that we think no other woman can be hot? What do you expect to accomplish by getting pissed at us? To blend with this, why do you feel that you must control everything? Who we go out with where we are, what we are doing? What about us makes you never trust us?

Issue #8: Are you ready for this? This one will get dicey. Why do you hate porn? Let’s dig a little deeper…. It’s degrading, it turns men into pigs, it gives women a bad name… these are the obvious. Can you teach us guys something we don’t already know? I know lots of women who do not have an issue with it, but more do than don’t. Let’s hear your opinion. Lets piggy back on this one too, what’s wrong with threesomes? Oh boy I have a feeling I’m going to get it for this…. and anal? (Yes, I know, I can be a dick at times)

Issue #9: Women have come a long way in the equal rights thing. You have CEO positions, you have most of the same jobs in the military, you can do everything a man does… yet you still pull the woman card. Why can you not make a decision? Do you want to be treated equal and fair, or do you want to be left out and have special treatment. You don’t get it both ways.

Issue #10: Yes, this is a serious question. What the hell is so damn great about Twilight?

I told you I would try and offer you something in return and of course I am a man of my word. I am sure you have plenty of situations and questions about guys. Well bring it on. Many times a girl asks me “why are they acting this way, why does he do this, what does he mean by this?” I answer in one of two ways. If I have ever been in the situation or used that excuse I tell them why I did and what I was trying to hide/get away with or explain a guys thought process from my situation. The second is I try to place myself in that situation and explain what I would try to be doing if I said or did those things. I will do the same thing here. Ask away and I will give you the most upfront answer I can, from my point of view. This may turn into an ongoing thing for a week or two, so keep coming back to this and see what was added.

Look forward to hearing your excuses/reasoning/answers,

The Meat Hammer

A While Coming.

Well hello there. I had written a blog a couple weeks ago but decided not to post it due to all of the emotions it would bring up in a lot of people. It was about suicide and my nephew. Yes, there is a correlation there. So instead of a full blog on that topic I decided to simply blend all kinds of things into one and slightly touch on that as well. This will be a little long, just a heads up. How about we make this a shit sandwich?

I was able to go home for Thanksgiving. It was much needed. I was able to spend lots of time with family and see some old friends as well. I had two highlights on Thanksgiving. The first was my old man. He means a lot to me, and I wonder sometimes if I am doing enough to be able to wear his name proudly. Not that I think my old man is not proud of me, but I feel like a failure sometimes. During dinner we all share what we are thankful for and it always gets emotional. When my old man mentioned me, and he said how proud he was, it was an unexplainable feeling. The second highlight was that I finally got to see and talk to my nephew. Bama has not let me see or talk to him for some time now. The day before when he called the house I was told I was not allowed to talk. On Thanksgiving he Skyped with us, and I again was told not to talk and could not be in the camera. I could only take so much of this and I lost it. Seeing that little guy and know that I cannot talk to him about made me blow a gasket. He knew I was there, and finally Bama said I could talk for a moment. Well I turned that moment into the rest of the conversation. Afterwards when Bama was thanked, she replied, it won’t happen again. What a bitch.

                Second part of Bama…. I find this funny and probably always will, while others saw it as crossing the line. I had been calling nonstop to talk to my nephew and sending texts to try and talk to him. I never got a reply. Well again, I can only take so much so I decided to spam text Bama. A few hundred texts later I pissed everyone off. Some stuff was said and got a little out of hand. None the less, I got a good laugh. I also learned the 2 reasons why she does not let me talk to him… not going to mention them specifically. But I will say this…. the first she was not satisfied with my bullshit apology, second is because she must be blind or not know how to read and now says I said something I did not. Even though it is in text form and anyone can read what was said, she will insist that she is right.

Let’s make this as short as I can. My nephew saved my life, literally. When I had hit rock bottom there were 2 major things/people that kept me going. My nephew was the one that broke the mold. When I honest to God thought of ending my life, I was able to see and hold him and my life suddenly seemed perfect. I don’t know if I will ever be able to explain this to him, but I owe him my life. And the fact that Bama uses her son to get her way proves she should not be a mother.

I have a big decision to make. Bama, as I mentioned before, uses my nephew to get whatever she wants. And because we all love him so much, and want to be a part of his life, we suck it up and do what she asks. Let me make sure you grasped this…. she threatens people with never seeing or talking to her son to get her way. Really? And now it is my turn again to swallow the bullet. I have a real hard time doing this because all it does is fuel her “power” and tells her that it’s ok to do that. But if I don’t then when will I be able to talk to him again?

Now something a little more serious, I shared something this past week with my mother that I have only told 3 people in the last 18 or so years. I don’t really know the real reason why I did it. I just got to talking and it slipped, maybe subconsciously I wanted to finally get it out there, or I some reason thought it would help to explain why I am so stubborn when it comes to Bama. Maybe a little of all 3. I regret it though. Because of what it was, my mother felt responsible. I hated that she felt that way and that it made her feel guilty. Again something that I will not share here, but I will say that my mother did the best thing possible in the situation. What I confessed to her had nothing to do with her in the slightest, but because she is a mother, I think she automatically takes the blame on herself.

Have I mentioned Bama is a bitch? So I said this would be a shit sandwich so I will end with something fun. Black Friday. My mom and I wanted to get a gift for my old man. He knows it’s a big screen TV but not what size or any specifics. So we decided to go to Target at 5 on Thanksgiving and wait in line until midnight. Do you see where this is going? We were about #20 in the line at that time. By the time the store opened we were about 30ish because the group of teenager in front of us allowed their buddies to join in line. Obviously this made folks behind them, and us angry. Words were passed, many times. A target employee…. Who was a dick and at any other company probably fired for the way he handled the situation, ended up calling the cops. So, here we are around 10ish in line at Target, Black Friday, pissed off folks, and cops. Awesome. Fights almost broke out. I was kind of excited. Well by the time the store opened I, the careless dick that I am pushed my way to the second person in line at the door. I was the 3^rd person to grab the TV. It was fun.

My trip home overall was great; I stocked up on Auburn Christmas stuff, and saw lots of friends and family.  I look forward to doing it again sometime. Stay tuned for another adventure of the Meat Hammer. Merry Christmas,

-The Meat Hammer

Here is my man card revisited 18+ Language

So this is nothing more than a follow up to my loss of a man card post. After that blog I have spoken to a few close folks about it and a few good points were brought up. So I figured I would add that now. This is probably one of the hardest posts I have done simply because nobody enjoys evaluating themselves, it’s a harsh reality.

As I mentioned, yes I think I am allowed to be super picky now, but maybe I was a bit to harsh. Two things that will stay the same are my football and my nerdism. “Meat Hammer, nerdism is not a word” Well, it came out of my mouth didn’t it? Anyways, some others things can be flexible though I guess, and I should not pick apart small meaningless things. Obviously though, she still has to be attractive to me.

Some self reflection came out of that too. This is going to sort of replace the “requirements” of a girl for me. And if you thought I was asking too much last time, your in a for something deep. I already said the 2 things that need to stay, but I need a patient gal. I was thinking back about a couple girls I went on dates with and what might have happened and what not (not playing the what if game here) and I realized that the issue might just be me. Now lets get something straight, I am a man therefore I am never in the wrong, but we already knew that. But I think I have made myself forget what its like to be in a relationship. After my last with Succubus I have created the frame of mind that women are the same and I am too good for them, and that they should drop everything and only pay attention to me. And that I should be able to do what ever I want and only have her around when I want her to be, that way I don’t have to deal with her woman bullshit. But I never used to see it that way.  I realize that if I keep this frame of mind then I am exactly like the Succubus, but I know I am so much better than that bitch will ever be. So now that I said that, the woman I get with needs to be patient, give me a month or two to get back into the feel of a relationship. I know that’s a lot to ask, but if she is worth a damn then she would do it. I mean, how often do us guys put up with a woman’s baggage and bullshit? They can do it too. I need a woman who will remind me that there is such thing as a good woman.

I also know that the next girl will not be my ex, thank God, but I also realize I am, and probably always will be bitter about it, and really who can blame me? I need someone who will take that bitterness away. So maybe I have found small dumb reasons to push the 3 or so girls away because I do not want to put them through my baggage. I know it is a lot to ask because I have tried to date girls with baggage in the past, but sadly they were dumb and did not realize they had any.

Along with maybe forgetting what a real relationship is like, I lost the intimate part of it too. I know my mom reads this, and so this next part is both hilarious and awkward. I had gone a on a few dates with a girl and things starting moving towards a more intimate side of things and I ran from it. I did not want to have that type of attachment. This was one of two reasons, either I did not want to get hurt again, OR I subconsciously knew what I mentioned above and did not want to put her through any of that. Maybe both. I would have much rather had a booty call or a one night stand instead of get intimate with someone that I knew.

Enough with the explaining lets hit the facts. I want a girl that accepts my football and nerdism, patient and will help me get used to being in a relationship again, she can not give up easily on me because lets face it, I’m pretty damn amazing, and all of the other smaller things will simply fall into place after that. I can think of a couple women in my life right now that could probably fit that bill.  

So take that man card from the last blog rip it, burn it, whatever you want, and then look back at it and realize that I just mind fucked you because I actually took one of  YOUR man cards and gave it back to you… lol suckers.

The Meat Hammer

Here is my man card 18+ Language

Another blog, wtf? I really don’t have “free time” anymore with my new job, but I do have a bit of down time at work, and LOTS of thinking time at work so that is where my blogs are coming from now. The last 2 days I was thinking about women… (Insert one of 30 million jokes here) and my opinions of women over the last 3 years, what’s wrong with women, my thoughts on relationships with women, just about everything. Now I am going to share those thoughts. Probably piss a few, or most of you off, unless you’re a guy, you might laugh a bit because one of us has the balls to say what we all think. That or I might lose a man card for being a little “emo” at times.

Those that really know me know that I am a kidder. I have a sense of humor and use it often. It is a way of coping with things. Recently I have had a few deaths in my family, and yes I have my break down moments about it, but for the most part, I joked about death, and what those people were doing in heaven. It’s just me. So over the last few years I have made women jokes, mainly because they piss me off, and I have just had bad experiences with women, so it’s my way of venting about it all. And those same people that know me know that I do not really mean all of the jokes I make about women. If I ever do find a good woman, if they still exist, then I would treat her like a queen. But I seriously think they are all gone. Although, it would be great to have a women cook and clean for me all the time. I really do think that I should have been born 30 years earlier, and then I could have had that type of woman.

So along with my constant jokes about women and how they can not drive, and they should not leave the kitchen unless they are bringing me a beer or doing my laundry, and how beyond extremely bat shit crazy they all are, I have noticed a few things about my views of women in relationships. With the crazy Canadian, I started to change things, give up things, and change who I was for her. I always knew that could happen in serious relationships, but I also thought it was supposed to go both ways. That was not the case. I gave up a very important concert for this girl, lost out on lots of guy time because of her, and I let her ruin all kinds of things for me. A camping trip stands out the most. Anybody reading this that went knows what I am talking about, the dumb bitch was jealous because there were other girls there… with their boyfriends lol. Then she decided to get super drunk and funnel rum to not be pissed off. That’s always a good idea. Then she kept my buddy in the tent next to us up all night with her damn bitching and moaning. Anyways, so I gave a lot to that relationship and I didn’t really get much back, It always had to be her way, and I could not do what I wanted. I mean, I would ask for 2 major things…

1. Every once in a while I wanted to do nothing but stay up all night and play COD4 with the boys.
2. I asked for up to 16 days out of the year to sit around and watch football on Saturdays. I didn’t want to go out anywhere, do any chores, no house work, no shopping, just watch football.

That is NOT too much to ask is it? Apparently it was.  My next relationship, or as the great Dane Cook puts it, relationSHIT was the Succubus in Vegas. In that relationship I went all in, gave up everything 100% and moved my life, just to have my ass thrown away 2 months later. Stupid bitch. She also had a problem with the 16 days out of the year, we had a week long fight because I did not want to go out to the park one day with her family because it was Saturday and I wanted to watch my Auburn boys play.  So that sets up my opinions of relationships.

I do not want to have to change, or sacrifice anything for a woman again. Burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice shame on me, burn me three times… nope. So now I have a hard time finding a woman because I will not stop being a nerd, I enjoy superheroes and video games. I will not give up my Saturdays for you; I want to have 16 days out of 365 to watch football. If Auburn has a bad year, it could be as little as 12 or 13. Really, that’s not a lot to ask. I think it will take a lot out of a girl for me to want to start giving some things up or pulling back on things again. I honestly do not believe there is a girl that is worth that anymore. Go ahead and pull my man card now before I say this… I have just been hurt to bad and am still too scarred to want to sacrifice for a girl again. I do not want to go through that pain again.

What I want out of a girl has changed a lot too. Now I know this may make me seem shallow, but I don’t care what you think now do I? Anybody that says looks are not important is full of shit. They are not the most important but you have to be physically attracted to the person. While this is true, I never really set out to get the hottest girl; I took in a part of everything. But now, I think I deserve to have a hot girl, one that the other guys stare at. The problem with that is I am no George Clooney, and I know this. I want a girl that will get interested in what I do, and what I want. She will be a football fan, and will cheer for Auburn, if she has another team, that’s great, but she will be an AU fan. I want a girl that will tolerate my sense of humor and not take my jokes seriously, because I will tell her to get in the kitchen. She will let me play xbox with the boys, and not complain when I buy a new game, or stay at home and play games instead of cuddle. She can come cuddle and watch me play. No need to make a long list here, the point is, I have become very picky in what I will get out of my next relationshit.

2 women have ruined so much for my life, mainly the last woman. I have a very low tolerance for them anymore, and I am very fast to pick out their flaws and act like I have none of my own. And they are small stupid things like, she doesn’t like this band, or I don’t like her clothes, I don’t like her nose, she likes superman better than batman, (well that’s a good reason actually) stupid stuff really.  

I go through phases now where I really wish I had someone to come home to, someone to talk to, someone to cuddle with, and someone to settle down with. But what guy doesn’t? Nobody likes being lonely. And then I hit the phase where I think if I had a girlfriend, I would not be able to being doing this or that. I wouldn’t be able to play xbox, she would be interrupting my game. She would make me clean the kitchen instead of watch this movie, and so I think I am better off being alone. I wonder if I ever will be able to find the person that changes my mind about all of this.

There are a couple women in my life right now that I could probably be happy with, and maybe I am just too scared about getting hurt again. But if its not one thing it’s another, physical attraction, kids, too serious, creepy nose, too immature, so I hold back from them. I tell myself that I deserve better because of what I have been through.

All of that said I am, well, was a great catch. But I know that if a woman who is good enough comes along then my feelings toward women will change.

The Meat Hammer

Yes, I am a nerd MA+ Language

I am a nerd. That’s no secret, but there are different types of nerds. There are nerds, the ones that are 30, live in their mom’s basement, play D&D and WOW, never supported themselves and are greased face pizza eaters, and then there are social fun nerds. Obviously I can only be one of those… “Mom, not now, I’m busy!!!” Oh, wait I’m the cool nerd.

This is a rant blog, and about time. I started this thing to be angry and get things off my chest so here is another. I am a 27, almost 27 year old gamer nerd… and I am better off in life than you so go eat a stick,

Growing up we had a few gaming systems, a Nintendo, super Nintendo and a Sega Geneses. I had a Gameboy. But my time playing these were limited and always in the living room. I was a bit shafted when it came to video games. And when my buddies got the new games, I did not, and was not allowed to play the fun ones. Remember when Mortal Kombat was cool? Well since mom saw on the news that it was too bloody and violent I was not allowed to play. So of course I would go to a friend’s to play it. In high school I broke mom down and I got a PSone, even then though the games were rare. I think the most “gamer” game I had was FF8. When I got on my own I bought an Xbox and Halo. I thought it was amazing that I could play whatever and whenever I wanted. Now I am a gamer nerd. I have the PS3, Xbox360, PSP, Nintendo DS, and too many games. I follow gamer blogs and websites. I read reviews, I get excited about upcoming games, I even spend hundreds of dollars on games. I waited in line with Rue and Bmbb for 7+ hours outside of a mall in the freezing cold for a video game, and would do it again. Why is this such a bad thing and frowned upon in society?

I spend countless hours playing any one game, by myself or with friends. Friends, that’s a major issue that people complain about. “that’s why you don’t have friends, you spend all day playing video games” “Why don’t you go make real friends instead of random people on Xbox” Well, most of my good friends are thousands of miles away from me, its not like we can go to the Moose or the movies together every day. That is how I spend time with my friends.

“You know video games are not real right? It’s not real life it’s all fantasy.” Well no shit tips, thanks for the heads up, because I swear that I could have unlimited ammo and a chainsaw assault rifle, run around town and shoot whatever the hell I wanted and not go to jail. I actually had no idea that if I jumped from a 500 foot building that I would die. This is probably the thing that makes me most angry and annoyed. My ex, the Succubus continuously said this to me, and for some reason I could not get her to understand it is just a form of fun for me. I know games are not real, when have I ever said or tried to act like they are? Video games are a form of release and a way to relax… well, most the time, unless that asshole is a corner camper with a noob tube, or corner camps with the sawed off. Point is, I love playing video games, and 9 times out of 10 when I do, I get super relaxed and get rid of stress.

Video games in a way helped save my life. When all of that shit with the Succubus went down I was in a very very dark place in my life. To help with this Batmanners and I would play a transformers game on Xbox every chance we got. We would play for hours into the night. Xbox and alcohol was my life for a few weeks. But because of it, and being able to escape into a video game, it helped me relax and forget about all of the shit that bitch put me through. Months later Batmanners and I were talking and I thanked him for basically saving my life. He told me that he knew I needed a friend and those video games were the best way to help me.

I am a gamer nerd, I love my video games… but it is not my life. Sure there are sometimes I decide not to go out because I would rather play, but I get out. I have a social life. I have friends. Video games do not control my life. I have a great job, I make great money, I have a nice car, a nice home, new clothes on my back… and probably better off than half of the people who say “You are a good for nothing nerd. Get a life.” I get out of the house, I hang out with friends, I go out to eat, I go to movies and the mall.  The only thing missing in my life is a woman, and yes there are female nerds. Sadly most women think video games are childish. Those women are retarded and not good enough for me.

This is something that will probably never change for me; I will always enjoy my games, and will always want/get the new consoles and new games. I want to be 40 and be able to play video games with my kids. I am buying my nephew an Xbox so we can play video games together. It is something to have in common; it is a great bonding tool.

So to all of you who think and say “Time to grow up and stop with your childish games.” “It’s not real life you know.” STFU because I’m tired of hearing it. You don’t like video games, you think they make kids violent, (they don’t btw) you think they are a waste of time and money I get it, but I am not you. Now, if you will excuse me, I feel like shooting, cutting, blowing up, beating the hell out of and straight up demolishing shit on my Xbox. And to you sir I say good day.

The Meat Hammer. 

Memories

So normally I complain about stuff on here but since I am in a good mood tonight as I sit here at work, I figured I would just share what’s on my mind. I was thinking earlier tonight about some of my best memories. Not too many came to mind but the ones that did still give me goose bumps when I think of them. I thought I would share… so read and enjoy, and you better feel good afterwards. Here they are in no real order. The only one that ranks above the rest is the first one, everything else ties for second place.

1. The day I first held my nephew. It was Christmas time; dude was only like a month old. He was placed in my arms and he just stared at me. I had no words to explain how I felt. Dumb kid made me cry just by looking at me.  He was in this red and white striped onesie type thing, looked like a fat candy cane. This is a moment I will never forget and will always be my best memory. Still today that kid makes my eyes water up a bit. To bad my sister is such a bitch about me being a part of his life now.
2. Two of the football games I have gone to. Both of these games will always make me smile. The first was when Auburn played WVU at Jordan Hare. I had brought one of my good Canadian friends with me. Let’s call him blue/green =). So he had never been to a football game before so we flew to Auburn and started the tailgate at 930 in the morning. Of course when we got there we popped open a beer and started drinking. We were there with frat guys and other university members and they looked at us like we were crazy for drinking first thing in the morning. Blue/green had to explain to him what Canada and drinking means. Anyways the game was delayed for over an hour because of rain and heavy lighting. The stadium was cleared out, except for the student section; we were standing on metal bleachers with lightning hitting the field, singing songs like “Have You Ever Seen the Rain”. Amazing times. Yea, we won!
3. The second game was last year, during the National Championship run. AU vs. LSWHO. I took my old man, and it was so cool sharing something that I love so much with him. He needed some time away and to get his mind off things and I think our weekend in Auburn did that. That game pushed Auburn to the number 1 spot in the BCS polls for the first time that I can remember. It was simply amazing. The best part was the next morning when we left, papa went into the gas station and brought out a newspaper with Auburn on the cover that read UNDEFEATED, yea, he is awesome.
4. My Linkin Park concerts. Of all the ones I have been to, one stands out the most. In 2007 I flew to SLC form Canada and took 3 of my close friends to the show for the Minutes to Midnight tour. They all know how much I love LP, and to be able to share that with them was priceless.
5. The Green Day concert with Shanarchy. We go way back and of course the cliché song “good riddance” is a song that we both hold close. The line about tattoos will always remind me of her because we shared getting ink together, twice. I went with her for both of her tattoos and one of them is one that we got together as a friendship tat.
6. The day I was reunited with my mom. She divorced the asshole and left me in Italy for a while. That whole time I thought she didn’t want me. Turns out I was wrong, and when she won rights over me I flew into Texas and jumped into her arms. What a great day.
7. My best friends wedding. The very recent day that Shanarchy got married. I refuse to admit that I had tears in my eyes, it was dusty inside of the church… that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I am so super happy for her and so blessed I got to be a part of it.

So that’s what I was thinking about tonight as I drove into work and walked around on my patrols. Now go be mushy somewhere else.

The Meat Hammer

How can you hate? 18+ Language

HOLY SHIT it has been a long time since I last posted anything here. My life has hit the wall going 130 MPH, but instead of stopping it somehow sped up. A few things just for shits and giggles in an update but then to get some heavy crap off my chest, crap that will probably piss people off, but once again, don’t like it? Don’t read it.

I got a new job, which means I can finally spill the beans about things at Best Buy. I put in my notice last week and I no longer have to work for the 2 managers, lets call one of them Ani, and the other Nale. These 2 rats bastards made me hate my job. I used to love going to work there, it was fun I loved everything about it. Until these 2 nimrods screwed me over and walked all over me. I was passed up for a promotion and full time position a total of 3 times. I worked at that store for a year and still got 8 hours a week. After my gaming department changed I was the 2^nd best seller, only behind my supervisor. Now for only working 8-10 hours a week, normally only 2 days a week and being second that means I am damn good at my job. Imagine if they actually had a brain and worked me more. But instead of these 2 assholes realizing what they had in me as a salesman, they gave more hours to people who knew less than me, and sucked. They also played favoritism in the store which irked me beyond belief. Ani actually told me if I wanted to get anywhere that I need to suck up, and brag about what I do. What kind of manager says and thinks that? A bad one. I am so glad I don’t have to deal with them anymore, for everyone else in that store, I hate to leave.

My new job is kick ass, full time, great pay, helps with my degree, and just awesome all around. I started part time and 3 weeks in I was offered full time. Ani and Nale… suck it. I also found out I will get my associates this winter, now to press forward for my BA. I also got a place of my own finally. I felt like I was being pushed out and ignored so it was good I got out when I did.

WARNING. I don’t know how many times I tell people that I don’t hold back in my blog, but yet I still get people screaming and yelling at me for what I say here. This is one of those times. If you do not agree fine, but if you try to tell me I’m wrong and argue with my view here, I will tell you to piss off.

Once again, the beyond intelligent Bama has fucked up. If you can remember back, Bama is engaged to a married man who is waiting to go through his 4^th divorce. She was supposed to marry him 5 months ago but he never filed for divorce, and still has not. Yet she is still with him. Who the fuck is ok with something like that? Of all the shit Bama has done this past year or so the final piece of cake is gone and I am going to let it all out. I do not know how it is possible to loath your own family member, but it is. Lets rewind a small bit. There is a biological member who I would gladly put a bullet into and piss in the wound. Probably will be one of the best days of my life when that asshole dies, and that is my sperm donor. That abusive fuck will get his. But I do not consider him family, Bama once was. Recently she decided to keep my nephew from me and others. This is the second time she has done this and I just will not take it anymore. I was given the idea to keep a log of when I try to reach him every day and how many times a day, including what that bitch says to me if she does answer. That way, when he gets older and can understand what is going on, and when Bama tells him I didn't want to talk to him, I can show him other wise.

Her stupidity is so embarrassing it makes me laugh. She threatened to call the cops if I did not stop calling her a lying bitch with no morals. In her idiotic world that is called harassing and the cops will put an end to it. Sorry nimrod, the cops do not care about your petty family issues. If it were not for the little guy I would never speak to or of her again. She is all but dead to me and I highly doubt there is anything she can do to fix it. I always said when shit hits the fan, which it will, that I would do all I could to help. Now, unless my nephew is in trouble, fuck her. Live on the damn streets for all I care. I have only ever wanted to hit 1 woman in my life, Bama is now the second. So to any of her “friends” that see this I am sure you will share with her and see her as the victim, well fuck you too, if you were a true friend you would have also tried to knock some morals and common sense into her. That good for nothing, lying, adulterous, desperate, shitty excuse for a mother has made me get to the point where I loath her. I do not care what happens to her, I do not care about her, and there is no form of love or compassion. I hope her life hits rock bottom and when she realizes what she has done I will simply laugh.

I have so much more I would like to say about this and about her, but it would all be moot. To end on a good note…

I played another gig at the coffee shop and it was a blast. I have a new singer, Miss Tarheel, and she is simply amazing. I have so much fun hanging out and playing with her. She absolutely stole the show. We made 34$ in tips that night and I can not wait to play another one.

So until the next rant and rage, be good kiddies…

The Meat Hammer

Had some things on my chest, and now they are in your mind. 18+

So I think I had too much Pepsi tonight with dinner and I can’t sleep, so instead of tossing and turning I figured I would say what has been on my mind the last few months. And yes there is some bitching going on.  I don't really know where to start... lets go with work. 

We all know how much I love my job. I work at a great place, with a few great people. I have fun and I know my job well. And yes I know I have complained about my job before, but thats mainly because I just didn't get the hours I feel I deserve. Well this last week was great, even got 1.3 hours over time. Can't complain there. So let me back track a bit before I complain. About a month or 2 ago I had to take a computerized learning for a new service. When asked later that day about what I thought of it, I told this person that I don't really care about it, it doesn't really effect my job specifically, and that I have a hard time caring and putting 110% into my job when I only get 8 hours a week. Well this person only took that as I don't give a rats ass about my job.  Me and this person go way back, and the simple fact that they think that is horse shit. See, I used to work side by side with this person, and since they now have authority, they have turned into a dick. And now I feel they really have it out for me. Now fast forward a bit. My company recently opened a new position. Its a supervisor position that I think I would be great at. Its also a full time slot. I decided to go out for it, knowing that I probably wont get it. There is too much favoritism and politics in my store. Even as I turned in my application for the position, to that douche bag person mentioned, I was asked, whats this for? Thanks ass. I know how to supervise, I did it in the military for 3 years, and I know that I have more experience than the person who will probably get the job I want. But I also know that won't matter. I can see myself already getting angry knowing that I wont get it. 

Speaking of jobs, there is a job fair on base this week that I am going to attend, I am hoping someone will pick me up and I can get a full time job, it would really help out. I have to move out soon and get my own place again, and the hours that work gives me are not steady enough for me to know for sure I can support myself. Its a shitty feeling. 

Lets move on to something else, I am getting angry just thinking about it. A few months back I had decided to make some changes in my life, and for the most part I have kept all of them, a few others I am still working on. One thing was to try and stop making so many sexist jokes and stop hating women. Well I am learning more and more that with the exception of a very few, I really do. Not all women, but most I just can't stand anymore. They are bitches, crazy and really just all around piss me off. They are way too damn emotional, and you can never figure them out. Now I know every guy will agree and say you just gotta deal with it. Why? Why should I? Oh, thats right, because I am one hell of a guy and I want to find one of those women who are the exception. Many women say all the time, why are all the good guys taken? Well they are not, but I ask where are the women who want that guy? Now for something that will pretty much contradict everything I just said. 

A few weeks ago a guy at church said something that has stuck with me and I keep thinking about it. He told about when he met his wife. He had said he had given up on finding someone to spend his life with, and he was completely content and happy with being single in every aspect of his life. And when he reached that point, he met the one for him.   (Now I will get confusing) We all know that I am the kind of guy who wants to be with someone, I don't like being alone. Its a fear of mine, and I think that might be why I have only been in serious relationships with crazy bitches that now make me hate most women. And yes, I do still want that but this last 2 weeks I have loved being single. I have been a guy, and I have been the guy I want to be. I go to work, I go to school, I take care of business, and on my free time I do whatever the heck I want. I play video games. I watch movies, I re-live old fun times. I got home one night and decided I needed to have a guy night so I gathered the boys and got on XBL and drank myself stupid playing COD. It was amazing. I used to do that all the time and I had so much fun. Sadly now my body doesn't let me drink the way I used to. This last week I have played through a co-op game with one of my best friends and had the time of my life, laughed like mad and just enjoyed life. After that I would play with my other friends and just have a blast for hours at a time.  All of that to say maybe I just need to start reaching the point where I am OK with being alone for the rest of my life and just enjoy the fact that I can be a gamer nerd and play whenever I want, and go and do what I want when I want. 

There are a few, well not even enough to say few, women in my past that I think of and wonder if maybe I messed it up somehow. And that shit bugs me. 

On the brighter side of things, I have a singer, well two actually and a small little cover band now. We played an acoustic set at a coffee shop last month and are doing another next month. I am loving this, we had so much fun, and just like playing video games, the guitar is a great outlet and stress relief for me. We are called Your New Favorite Band and its just me and 2 friends who just love to play and sing. Its amazing and too bad that all of you can not attend out shows because you would pretty much fall in love with us. 

I still got family issues too, and at times I really don't know how to deal with it. See most of you know whats going on with Bama. I have all but written her off of my life completely only because of her son I have not. If it were not for the little guy I would never speak to that idiot again. I seriously feel hatred for her. I really do. But every once in a blue moon when I think about it and wonder what to do about it all, I wonder if I should just tell myself to accept it and get over it. For the sake of her son, and thats it. Its rare that I think that but it happens. I think I kinda just hope it will all blow up in her face soon and then I don't have to worry about it anymore, but I am a very impatient person. I know that there will never be a relationship with Bama again and honestly I really am OK with that. I kinda feel like a divorced man with a kid, I only talk to my ex for the sake of my child. Once again dumb ass women. 

FUN NEWS TIME

I'm just saying, I got promoted. Its not official just yet, just waiting on paper work to go through now, but I am SSgt Meat Hammer. Its a pretty good feeling. 

Its strange how just typing this stuff out makes ya feel a bit better. Tomorrow I am forcing myself to finally get back in the gym, I want to loose the rest of my beer gut and Canada fat so I can get my new tattoo. Gonna start the day fresh with all of this shit off my chest. I know this was long but leave whatever you want to leave as a comment, Its my no nonsense blog so feel free to leave a no nonsense comment. War Damn Eagle,

The Meat Hammer 

About damn time

Well there is so much to talk about right now I am not real sure where to begin. Don’t really have a real low point but a few fun things that have been going on. Let’s begin with one of my highest highs in life, the Linkin park concert a few weeks ago.

Nothing short of mind blowing and amazing to see the new stuff live. My all-time favorite song is A Place For My Head, and although I have seen this song live 2 times before I can never get enough. Well because of my obsession and fandom, I was able to learn what set list was to be played at my show shortly before the show, and I knew before but it was then confirmed that I would not be hearing my song. Linkin park, you did it again, made me the happiest dude on earth. During the extended play of Bleed It Out, which they always do, the then sang A Place For My Head to the music of Bleed It Out. Thank you for melting my face. They also played what has become my second favorite, Waiting For The End. Such powerful lyrics, I love it. The whole night was simply amazing. I love reliving that moment and more when I listen to the live show I was at. It still gives me chills years after.

School has been a pain, especially that damn hippie class. My school requires you to take a global citizenship class. Dumbest idea ever. Seriously go eff yourself. I do not care that other countries are worse off than America, that’s why we are America and better than you. Guess what? America has poor people, homeless, sick, uninsured, uneducated, and terrible leaders too. You’re not special. Fix your own problems, don’t tell me about them. And no, I am not going to give up my week to do a service learning project, Layton can take care of itself without my help. I do not care you fat dumb hippie who cannot say 5 words without catching your breath. Why did I have to waste my time on this? For my final in that class I had to write a refection paper about what I learned and what I got out of the class. My paper nicely stated that I got nothing out of it, I thought it was a waste of time, and that I do not care about issues of other countries and will not go out of my way to help my community. And I am ok with that. I got a 100%.

I am on my spring break from classes now and sitting on a plane to fly to TexASS to visit some family. Been a while since I have seen them. It is going to be a short but fun visit, and I get to do something I always enjoy doing that doesn’t happen often. I get to tell my grandpa some news that will make him super proud and I get to see his face while I do it. See, this is my big news that I have kept from the world. I have been promoted. Yes, I am now Staff Sergeant Myhre. That’s right, Kenn Myhre is an E-5, and I love it! I get to tell my old man and my grandpa to their face that another Myhre has reached the NCO ranks in the greatest military branch, the US Air Force. My old man was a Staff and my grandpa was a Master, and I am so excited to tell them.

As far as other issues, the love life is still up in the air, my sister is still a retarded selfish ass hole, and Toomers Trees are still dying. But I must share that I have gained mad respect for most all of Bammers for their support of the trees. It’s pretty incredible how the state of Alabama, AU and UA alike came together. True spirit of college football was shown there. I also need to start gearing up for moving out. Shanarchy gets married in a few months and I will need to find a new place to live, which sucks because I don’t make what I used to when I lived in Utah. Hopefully something will fall into place and I can get a roommate or just find a cheap place to stay. I am sure the big guy upstairs will cover that for me somehow.

One final complaint, how many wars does America think we need to be involved in? Now don’t get me wrong it doesn’t really matter because whatever war we get into we will win, but that’s not the point.  I sometimes wish we would step back a bit and just fix our issues before we get so wrapped up in everything else that we don’t see another country taking control of everything. Also, the only reason we are attacking Lyba is because those damn terrorist shot Doc brown in 1985. Bastards, revenge is a bitch aint it! Well I suppose that is enough of a catch up for now, until our next meeting, same bat place same bat page,

The meat Hammer

Tops in Blue, Auburn and some info for your Meat Hammer loving ears

Been a while since my last blog and since a few things are on my mind I will let them out again.  I guess I will start where I left off. My mindset has improved over the last few weeks. Things are nowhere near perfect again but I know they will get better. All in the attitude I guess.

This week provided two things for me on opposite sides of the spectrum. I will start with the good. I had the opportunity to go to Tops in Blue this week.  Something I have not seen in 20 + years. The last time I saw this I believe we were stationed in Italy, and as a young guy I saw this really cute girl in the show and insisted on meeting her after. And then when we had to leave I cried, I actually cried because I didn’t want that woman to leave. Yea I know, I am awesome. This week I went for the second time, and I was once again reminded how proud I am to be a part of the Air Force. The show was amazing and funny. They did a Michael Jackson mix, Lady Gaga mix, some beat box and as they normally do some love songs. The costumes and performance was just awesome. I looked through the program and turns out there was a TSgt from Huntsville in there too. Said she graduated from Lee. So naturally I had to find her after and say hello. Pictures and videos from the show are available here and here for videos if you are interested. As they always do, at the end of the show they sang God Bless the USA. And it was so cool to see the whole room stand up. One of those moments where you get chills down your body and a tear in your eye. 

Now to the other, terrible heartbreakingly sad side of things. I have never attended Auburn University. I am nothing more than a fan. A true, All In, loving fan. And what happened this week breaks my heart. I could not imagine how I would feel if I was an actual part of the university, and not just the extended Auburn Family. For those of you who do not know, an Alabama fan, 62 yrs old, poisoned Toomers Oak. Toomers Oak is rich in Auburn tradition, and the trees are over 130 years old. For the last 50 or so years the Auburn Family would roll the trees after a victory, and that may never happen again.  I am super thankful that 2 of the last 3 years when I went for an AU game that I had the privilege to take part in that tradition before it was so rudely  taken away from us. I have seen both sides of Bammers this week over the situation. A few have been complete tools about it, and cheer this man on. They think he did a great thing, but thankfully, there are still Bammers with class who are prideful fans and feel pain for the trees. I even had a few of my Bama fans say war eagle in support of the trees. I am no hippie, but I pray for the healing of Toomers Oak.

I started my position with the Guard last week.  Great things are coming from that, and there is still a slight chance of it becoming active. I miss putting on my uniform every day.  I also get the chance next week to see Linkin Park for the 5^th time, and I am uber stoked about it. I will leave for the show right after my dumb hippie class on Friday morning. Other things have been going on that I am just not ready to get into again but surely they shall come sometime in the future. Until then, War Treegle!

The Meat hammer

The Quiet Things That Noone Ever Knows

The quiet things that no one ever knows… there are so many things. 

It has been an extremely stressful past couple weeks so I intend to throw it all out right now, and then force myself to buck up and get over it.  So in no real order, and with no reason to the next paragraph or two, cover your face cause here it comes

The VA is probably the second worst thing next to the DMV. Scratch that, just as bad if not worse. No sense to be made with their lack of payment to me. I am a poor dude trying to make it through things. And I rely on that 738$ at the start of the month.  Well to add on to stress they decided to blow me off for some reason. That includes me sitting on hold for 2 hours today. Money is only the start. I have 2$ sittin in my account right now. Should be more but my job decided that I didn't really need to work the last week and a half. And don’t even bother calling to talk to someone about it, or calling for hours because you will just get the BS speech about being PT not FT. Well no crap, I was not asking for 40 hours num nuts I was asking for some. I am awesome at my job and do more work than half the full time people there. I can think of a handful of people that do the same amount or more than I do. I wanna throw up my hands at it, why should I put forth all my effort when they just slap me in the face. That said, my last check was 200$. Not enough for anything. So now here I am at the start of the month and owe a total of 985$ within a week. No GI Bill money, no paycheck. What to do? It damn near broke my heart when I drove to the pawn shop this morning to pawn my guitars for a month. Tears in my eyes that I had to do that, and the douchebag offered me 150$ for 2 of them, an Ibanez and Austin. Obviously I couldn’t do that. School is somewhat stressful, but we all know that, cant complain too much. Except for my dumb hippie class I have on Friday. No, I don’t want to help my community, no, I don’t feel like giving up a day to help the sick and homeless animals, no I don’t want to go feed the hungry. Not that I don’t care about that stuff because I do, but its not my calling. I don’t have that urge to go to that. And yes, America is the best country, and yes, we always will be and yes every country hates us because of it. Get over it hippies. Then there is the issues from the past, I am still over the top infuriated about idiotic choices and the blindness of people. Your wedding wont last more than 2 years don’t waste your time. My old man got laid off, which is total BS because I got a lot of my work ethic from him, and I know he is one of the best at his job, but because of contract politics they got rid of him. Now with all of this other stuff that he has been through the last few months, lets add another brick shall we? I think the only highlight of the last few weeks was playing guitar with my nephew singing the ABC song for an hour. I need that kid here with me everyday. All of this has added up on me and its very rare that I cant handle stress. But I have been very short with my family here at the house, with my other friends as well. And then…. Somebody said something tonight.

I went to a new house church tonight because of my school schedule.  Glad I did. At the end of the night a friend from church told us about her mom and a battle with breast cancer, and she lost it. Her husband finished the story, and when asking for prayer they didn’t ask for her to be healed. They didn’t ask for God to remove the cancer. They didn't ask for a miracle, they only asked for understanding, patience and acceptance for whatever happens. They didn’t want prayers about her mom, or them for what they will go through. They simply wanted to accept what God was going to do. I have been praying about my situation the last few weeks and things just are not falling in place. What she said was what I needed to hear. So as I prepare to apologize to my household for the way I have been lately, and stop being a depressed fool, I throw all of this up so the big guy will catch it and make everything better. I have faith that I will get a better job that I have been applying for, and I will not have to worry about how I will pay my bills, and not worry about my family and how they will get through,  and not worry about the emotional rollercoaster we have been going through.I am not asking God to fix everything, I am asking to help me cope with his plan.

Side note now,

Things didn’t really work out with the “girl” recently but that’s alright. Back to the faith thing, after I decided to throw up my hands with searching, that same friend from church approached me and asked if I was single because she wanted me to meet someone. A church someone. This could be very good. I am all set to start with the Guard in 2 weeks which is good. Things will all fall into place I am sure. Now hopefully I will get more than 3 hours of sleep for once and stop being so grumpy.

And now you know the quiet things that no one ever knows.

The Meat Hammer

WAR DAMN EAGLE AND MUCH MORE

It’s a funny thing when you realize something about yourself. It can be an incredible event that makes you feel proud, it can make you feel like you can accomplish anything, or it can make you feel like crap. I think I realized some things over the last few months and I feel like crap. I look back at my life over the last 8 or so years and try to see what kind of things changed about me, good and bad. Most of the things I see made me stronger, and were good changes but some things I just don’t know why I do them and I realize it’s really not me. Some of the things are important things, like how I live day to day life, how I treat myself, my home, my friends and family. Some are smaller things like my off sense of humor, my annoying tendencies, not having “class” (thanks Shanarchy) and even my obsessions. I guess really the only way to fix things is to face them head on. Grab the bull by the horns and that is what I have done the last few weeks.

I think the biggest thing I noticed that I have put the most thought into is how I carry myself through life, and even though I don’t have a big care of what other think of me, I have noticed that caring a little bit is not a bad thing, as long as it doesn’t get carried away. I tend to pick up after myself a bit more and act less like a bachelor. This includes the house, the kitchen, my room, my laundry and even taking better care of my body. Then there is the way I act around others, what I say, and the impressions I make on people. That’s a hard one to change, because for the last 6 or so years my motto was if you don’t like me then sod off, it’s your loss.  But I can’t let that stay the case; I will miss out on too many things. The way I treat friends and family, not staying close enough, taking them for granted, or sometimes just getting carried away in a moment and not paying attention to the consequences and what those closest to me might think. These are things I have been and will continue to work on.

My obsession of Auburn football probably won’t change too much, but I need to make sure that it doesn’t take over and make me miss out on life, and I know this, have for a long time, just chose to ignore it. I was told once that having obsessions are a way to fill a void, and I realized in part that this was true. Not with football, but the way I spent my free time, I did things obsessively to make me happy. And I find over the last few months since I have been happy, I don’t do those things nearly as often.

It’s even harder when you realize you’re doing/acting a way you never wanted to, and you didn’t even know you were. I am getting into a new relationship that has some pretty good potential and I told myself that I would move slow, But I would not make her pay for my ex’s mistakes. I sadly found out that I am. I hate people like that, people like me. It’s not her fault, why should she pay for it? Why should I not give her the best of me because of fear, pain or hatred? And even though I hate facing some things head on this is one of those things that I must stare in the face and that’s the only way to fix it. So I did.

I can tell that some of my relationships have changed over the last few years, and as much as I want them to go back to the way they were, I know they can’t because people change.  I am not nearly as close to my best friend as I once was, and I hate that. I miss the relationships, and yes I have made some new friends that I am close with but you always remember the “best” friends.

There is a lot that has been on my mind the last couple of weeks that I will share on a later date because it is just way too much to type and way too much for you to read all at once. I guess sometimes you have to nut up of shut up. This is me nutting up and making myself a better person.

On a side note, I am well on my way to a better military job. I was able to get released from the reserve unit in California and be gained by a unit close to home in Mosh Lake. This is a job that deals with the thing I love most about my USAF career, radar scopes. I am beyond excited for this new chapter in my life. A chapter that is full of new experiences, new jobs, new friends, new responsibility, and new relationships with a wonderful girl. (yet another story for you wonderful readers) In closing I have only 6 words to say

WAR DAMN EAGLE!!! 2010 NATIONAL CHAMPS!!!

The Meat Hammer