It’s a funny thing when you realize something about yourself. It can be an incredible event that makes you feel proud, it can make you feel like you can accomplish anything, or it can make you feel like crap. I think I realized some things over the last few months and I feel like crap. I look back at my life over the last 8 or so years and try to see what kind of things changed about me, good and bad. Most of the things I see made me stronger, and were good changes but some things I just don’t know why I do them and I realize it’s really not me. Some of the things are important things, like how I live day to day life, how I treat myself, my home, my friends and family. Some are smaller things like my off sense of humor, my annoying tendencies, not having “class” (thanks Shanarchy) and even my obsessions. I guess really the only way to fix things is to face them head on. Grab the bull by the horns and that is what I have done the last few weeks.
I think the biggest thing I noticed that I have put the most thought into is how I carry myself through life, and even though I don’t have a big care of what other think of me, I have noticed that caring a little bit is not a bad thing, as long as it doesn’t get carried away. I tend to pick up after myself a bit more and act less like a bachelor. This includes the house, the kitchen, my room, my laundry and even taking better care of my body. Then there is the way I act around others, what I say, and the impressions I make on people. That’s a hard one to change, because for the last 6 or so years my motto was if you don’t like me then sod off, it’s your loss. But I can’t let that stay the case; I will miss out on too many things. The way I treat friends and family, not staying close enough, taking them for granted, or sometimes just getting carried away in a moment and not paying attention to the consequences and what those closest to me might think. These are things I have been and will continue to work on.
My obsession of Auburn football probably won’t change too much, but I need to make sure that it doesn’t take over and make me miss out on life, and I know this, have for a long time, just chose to ignore it. I was told once that having obsessions are a way to fill a void, and I realized in part that this was true. Not with football, but the way I spent my free time, I did things obsessively to make me happy. And I find over the last few months since I have been happy, I don’t do those things nearly as often.
It’s even harder when you realize you’re doing/acting a way you never wanted to, and you didn’t even know you were. I am getting into a new relationship that has some pretty good potential and I told myself that I would move slow, But I would not make her pay for my ex’s mistakes. I sadly found out that I am. I hate people like that, people like me. It’s not her fault, why should she pay for it? Why should I not give her the best of me because of fear, pain or hatred? And even though I hate facing some things head on this is one of those things that I must stare in the face and that’s the only way to fix it. So I did.
I can tell that some of my relationships have changed over the last few years, and as much as I want them to go back to the way they were, I know they can’t because people change. I am not nearly as close to my best friend as I once was, and I hate that. I miss the relationships, and yes I have made some new friends that I am close with but you always remember the “best” friends.
There is a lot that has been on my mind the last couple of weeks that I will share on a later date because it is just way too much to type and way too much for you to read all at once. I guess sometimes you have to nut up of shut up. This is me nutting up and making myself a better person.
On a side note, I am well on my way to a better military job. I was able to get released from the reserve unit in California and be gained by a unit close to home in Mosh Lake. This is a job that deals with the thing I love most about my USAF career, radar scopes. I am beyond excited for this new chapter in my life. A chapter that is full of new experiences, new jobs, new friends, new responsibility, and new relationships with a wonderful girl. (yet another story for you wonderful readers) In closing I have only 6 words to say
WAR DAMN EAGLE!!! 2010 NATIONAL CHAMPS!!!
The Meat Hammer
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