Why Me? MA

Ok so it’s time now for another blog. This is something that has been on my mind for a while and I think it’s that kind of thing that after you write about it you feel better. Who knows? So here comes out the “emo” side of me but I don’t really care what you think about it.

Man I really just wonder WTF sometimes about my life.  It just seems so messed up sometimes and I wonder what it is that I am doing wrong in life. I wonder why I don’t have that big money job. I wonder why I’m alone. I wonder why I can’t stay focused on God. I wonder why I am in the position I am in, and I wonder how the hell do I get out of it.

I want to make sure I am clear about this first off; I have many good and close friends who are married with kids, getting married, have great healthy relationships and are happy. Man I love that, and I am happy for them, but to quote Dogma I gotta ask, “When Lord? When is it my turn?” When is my time? I mean this is ridiculous. I am a damn good guy, one of those “good guys” that women complain there aren’t enough of in the world but yet, they always seem to look past me. I am not being egotistical I am being honest. Now what the hell am I doing wrong to not have this kind of happiness in my life? And turns out the girls that I do go after are either bat shit insane, or just pass me up without giving me a real chance. And yes I have heard it before, no worries Meat Hammer there are plenty of fish in the sea. Hey man she is missing out.  Dude, she just was not right for you. It’s her loss. Well no shit it is, I know all of that and it doesn’t help the fact that I am still alone. Everyone has fears. I have a few, aliens of course being the biggest. Those things just creep me out if they are real. I fear being alone. I fear I won’t find her, the one and I will stay alone.  It just aint cool. It’s one of those things that can keep me up at night.  I take peoples advice of waiting and something will come in the past, and well yea something came alright devil women who don’t even have the screws in their head to be loose.

I would be happy with this...

Mo mony mo problems right? That’s what I hear. No money more problems seems more like it. Now let’s not get confused I make enough to get by, and I think soon things will improve for this but not the way I want. What happened to being a kid and thinking yea I can have a good job I can make enough money to be happy and not worry about bills or if I can afford something. I have a part time job at Best Buy, and I am DAMN good at what I do. Always have been when it comes to my job, I take it seriously. Dare I say in my department I am the best if not second best. I deserve something better. I deserve full time. I deserve the hours and maybe a lil more money. I make a decent pay per hour but that means nothing without the hours. I thankfully have a boss who knows how hard I work and knows what I put into it, and they try to get me as much as they can but it’s just not enough. Maybe I am impatient but I wonder what it will take to prove this and get what I know I can do and what I deserve job wise.

Religion has always been that odd spot for me. I am a Godly man I really am. I know who he is what he is and I know I belong to him, and in so many ways I live it too. But those couple ways I don’t I can’t really change for good. Yea I go through times where I stop them but they always creep back. People who know me real well know I am a Godly man, but that’s not what counts, it’s the people that don’t know me that should see it. And man I have a bad mouth and that’s a dead giveaway for most people. I do what I can to force myself to be better at it and most of the time it means making myself feel guilty about what I do, whatever it takes right?

I don’t have a bad life. It’s actually pretty good. I have some of the best friends a guy could ask for, and have made recently some more great friends. I have a large family base. I have a roof over my head, a car to drive and a job. But my life is shit. I am 25, a part time job, going to school for a job that won’t even really kick off for at least 6-8 years, I am single and have nobody to share my life with, I have debts, I have a situation from my past that I will forever regret, that’s right, I’m talking about you bitch, and I just don’t know what to do to fix it all. I have an idea but that’s all it is, an idea and who knows if it will work?

So what Meat hammer you are not alone in this thousands of people are in the same boat you are and they are optimistic about it. Stop crying like a little bitch. Well you know what I am and I don’t care about thousands of other people.

I like to think that I am one of the most optimistic people around, and I always go for the impossible, and I keep my head up no matter what, and I always have a glass half full but that can only get you so far. I mean after 15 years of trying to have that outlook it only gets you so far. I just want out. I want the good life and I am getting tired of trying to find it. I want a girl in my life; I want a steady job where I don’t have to worry if I will make enough come payday, I want to have more of a Godly life, I want to be that respected man with a good name. What do I have to do to get there? Hopefully I will one day reach that point, and until I do I will keep questioning the world and myself. Why is this so hard?

The Meat Hammer